okay, now I'm confused.

recently, I just got an offer for animation course in uniKL and I was so happy!
It's my dream to take that course and I wanna prove to my relatives (dad side) that be an animator also can be successful bastardo like others!!!!!
booyah!!! I will prove it to you guys!!!!

unfortunately, that University was located at Jalan Sultan Ismail (which they call red area cuz full of thugs, night clubs and so on... my parents said) and they said, go apply for MMU. it's nearer to our house....
I was like, whoa there. Before this, you always asking me to apply somewhere far to teach me how hard life is, but now wanted me to apply nearer University?

okay, now I'm confused.
I'd like to try somewhere far, cuz I'd like to try new adventures in my life.
I know it will be hard, but there's no harm for me to try, right?
RIGHT?
oh, and I wish I can continue studies abroad.... hurm, maybe Japan, US or Germany?
I really wish to study abroad at one of these countries.
wish me luck.

(okay, I apply for the private first. waiting for UPU is so damn long and I feel like dying waiting for it! kay, bye!)

pedih sepedih pedihnya hati ini.

apa perasaan kau, bila orang bandingkan or seolah-olah lupakan kewujudan kau, terutamanya dalam family sendiri?

sedih, pedih, bengang, marah dan sebagainya kan?

inilah situasi aku sekarang.
mentang-mentanglah adik aku yang jantan tu SPM straight A,
semua orang pandang dia, congrats kat dia.
bila aku cakap aku STPM dapat 2B 2C, MUET band 3...... ada aku dapat warm congrats macam tu?

tak.

aku tak dapat warm congrats macam yang adik aku dapat.
malahan, bapak aku bila pergi mana-mana, dia lebih bangga kat adik aku tu dibandingkan dgn aku.
siap canang cerita lagi pasal kehebatan adik aku dapat straight A dalam SPM.
aku?
dia tak cerita sangat.

sedih tau tak bila kena banding sampai macam tu sekali.
adakah aku ni memalukan keluarga??
aku ni teruk sangat ke??

aku ni tak layak ke masuk Universiti macam orang lain?
sakit tahu tak hati ni.
sakit sangat.
setiap malam, dalam gelap, hanya air mata je peneman aku bila diingatkan balik benda ni.

teruk sangat ke aku?
tak layak ke aku, sebagai bekas pelajar STPM nak belajar tinggi jugak macam yang orang lain expect kat adik aku sorang tu??
bodoh sangat ke aku??